Thursday, April 14, 2016

Different Desires

This has probably been the longest I've gone without posting anything on here in a while, mostly because of how low of a priority I consider this blog to be now.  Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Sometimes I wonder why I continue to pay for the domain name ""  Vanity I suppose.  Perhaps some nostalgia mixed in.  Perhaps a lot.

In recent months I've started another new job which resulted in me having to move to lessen the daily commute (and insane cost of gas, zut alors).  I'm still fighting bodily (mental?) fatigue which feels like I've been doing for the past two years now.  Maybe I'm just really bad at adjusting to being a reasonably, responsible grown up.

I used to look forward to creating and writing on this blog.  I think I was inspired by the likes of Rob Cockerham and his life's portfolio on display at when I was still in high school.  I wanted to do quirky/interesting/extravagant/funny projects and document them to put online.  Most of the time, I just wanted to be funny.  I still try way too hard to be funny. For most people I interact with on a daily basis, I think I'm an acquired taste and somehow and for some reason, God gives me favour with them and I am able to get along amicably and I'm found to be humorous.  To others, I am just a raw brussel sprout, decomposing in the the crisper drawer in the bottom of the fridge. 

When I first started this blog/website, I wanted to be transparent and write about anything and everything (to a varying degree), but I ended up writing mostly about things that interested me or consumed my time (eg. musings on Chinese-Canadians in the news/media or my time in university).  What's sad to say now is that I don't have those same interests anymore or I just do not care whatsoever.  And I also now feel a need to be more private and vigilant of how much of my personal life I reveal on here.  Even on Facebook, I just don't have the desire to "share" tidbits about my life that almost all of my "friends" do not care about.  I also don't want to put something in public writing that would demean or belittle another person or criticize an individual/organization so much that it would jeopardize something like my safety or employment, but that makes me sound like a coward and a bit of a sell-out.  Perhaps it's me doing due diligence and pre-empting future headaches.  Perhaps I'm just paranoid.

I wonder if all of this is because I've been so short sighted and temporal in my daily perspective on life.  Now is great, but what about five years from now? Or twenty years?  What about when I'm old and on my deathbed?  All of this will be meaningless then.  What about after I die? What about eternity?  What am I truly living for?  I don't want to look back at my life and regret the wasted time, and yet, sometimes I feel helpless in what I can actually accomplish physically and spiritually and then in the end.....nothing.  I need Jesus.

I will continue to update my Twitter and Flickr accounts daily, which I am fairly proud of.

And here's a stupid video I made awhile back:

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So insightful.